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He told her that the commander stood up the next day and told everyone that the launch had been intended to test their stamina, to allow each one to prove to himself that he was MAN enough to take the final step. He was lying. I found out later that the launching was needed for a radar penetration test, to test the boost phase detection at low altitudes.
"I had no idea," Tania replied and kissed him across the table. "Can't you resign?"
"Resign!" He began to laugh. "No one ever resigns from any top secret technical post. No one has ever done this. No one resigns from a missile base. If I were a common soldier I might have gotten a transfer to another outfit, but once you're stuck in secret technical services there is no way out. You don't even dare think of it out of fear that they'll find out somehow!"
Tania got up and stroked his hair again, then poured another cup of coffee.
"If I had only taken the trouble to find out what I was getting into!" he said.
"But you were so happy when you were offered the job," she reminded him.
"Oh I could never get that kind of pay any place else, and after five years, doors would open to high career positions in government, limousines, a bigger apartment; five years didn't seem like anything, then, Tania. How could I have known that a single year would be, well, an eternity."
While they cleared the dishes away he apologized to her for dragging her into all this, telling her that it could be dangerous if anyone found out.
She turned and kissed him; "I won't say anything, it's all right."
"No!" he replied, "I've spoiled our holiday now. But I couldn't help myself. I had to tell someone. There are things a person just can't keep inside forever. You know, our commissar - yes, they still call him the commissar - he told us we should be proud to have carried out our assignment unhampered by personal feelings! I shuddered as my comrades cheered him. The whole affair stinks. It's rotten to the core. And then the commissar had the gall to say: 'what makes you strong as a pillar in our new and free society, is your unquestioning willingness to serve the cause of Mother Russia! At Lenin Base - we are called Freedom Base One now - this means letting the end justify whatever it takes!' So it isn't all right Tania. What's happening scares me. There is more tension now in the air than there has ever been during the Soviet era."
Boris told her that one thing scared him most of all, namely his realization that the old commissar's arguments were the very same as those under which he had joined the army years ago; to let the end justify whatever it takes. "If only the old commissar could see to where this approach leads, and whom he gives his loyalty to! But an old man like the commissar would never see such a fine point. His blabbering of worn out slogans about serving faithfully and unquestioningly is rooted in the old patriotism that once built the Soviet Union. But all this is gone. Who knows who is giving the orders now? London has more control over our lives than Moscow has. When it comes to the crunch, who knows where the loyalties will lie? Well, I tell you, this devout servant of the military was fast asleep that day when the damn test-launch happened. He had not the faintest idea of what he was talking about. We live in an era of increasing insanity."
Tania smiled and raised a hand to stop him. "Calm down my love. Nothing would have moved your old man anyway, even if he had been there."
"That's what worries me, Tania. Once a man is becoming dead as a human being, his actions become increasingly irresponsible. And what's more; this is the kind of mentality he is also determined to impress on everyone else. What if he succeeds? Maybe he has already succeeded without me feeling it."
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