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Chapter 8 - The Anton ParadoxThe snow-filled streets provided a sanctuary for talking about everything Ushi and I cared to address. The snow muffled the sound. And apart from that, English wasn't commonly spoken. We could talk about Anton more freely in the streets. I told Ushi that I felt hurt by what had happened between Anton and I, because Anton's accusation belied the openness towards each other that had unfolded during the evening before. I said that it hurt in part for the reason she stated, but that it also hurt because it reflects a far deeper isolation deep within her than had become apparent during our conversation the night before. I told Ushi that I hadn't paid much attention to it, then. "The barrier appears to be rooted in her isolation against any kind of sexual feelings," I said to Ushi. "Antonovna had evidently been hurt far more than she dares to admit to herself. She wanted to talk about sex, but there was always a seep-seated fear attached to it. She brought the subject of sex up several times and then shied away from it and accused me of wanting to exploit it. She seems to isolate herself against any kind of intimacy in sharing one-another's love. She seems to be drawn into a kind of isolation that keeps her away from the rich elements of human existence. She seems to be the kind of person that seeks the solitude of an empty landscape to escape the social complexities, while she really wants the very opposite. She hates the solitude and it seems that she wants to get out of this box, but is afraid to open the door to the real world. Sex seems to be at the center of it. It causes her pain. Of course I can even understand why she finds it hurtful. Still I seem to be at a loss in trying to help her. Every approach seems to fail." "Are you saying that you both talked about sex?" Ushi asked. Ushi's face revealed a sense of shock and horror. "You are lucky that she stuck with you for the entire dinner. Normally she walks out in minutes when the subject of sex enters the scene." "We talked about sex over dinner for two nights, and even afterwards for four hours. I didn't bring the subject up," I said to Ushi. "Antonovna brought it up. She always took the initiative and then closed the door. And almost right from the very beginning she allowed me to call her, Anton, as a special privilege. And even then she had attached a notion of sex to it. However we only explored the subject of sex on the universal level, and explored the barriers created against it in the Byzantine system of vertical domination. We also talked about the opposite to domination, the platform of freedom based on scientific development and the discovery of universal principles, and then the ultimate, the lateral model that reflects the Principle of Universal Love. Mostly, we talked about the political aspects that can be used as a kind of metaphor for all three models. It seemed easier to talk about politics than to talk about sex directly since both are equally intertwined with the Principle of Universal Love, even at the grass roots level. Unfortunately, Anton found the political aspects just as scary." "Don't judge her, Peter," said Ushi. "Antonovna grew up in her own private Byzantine world of top down domination. She knows what it is like when one is stomped into the ground and is barely able to lift ones head." "Ushi, are you talking about rape? I know about it. She told me." Ushi shook her head. "No Peter, it wasn't just rape in her case. I'm talking about systematic abuse. Anton had been exploited for many years in her own home where she grew up, by her own family. It can be a curse you know, to grow up as a beautiful girl in a loveless society, and more so in a strongly religious hierarchical family environment where the imperial vertical system is deeply rooted, where obedience to authority is strongly ingrained. Antonovna had never been able to feel the joy of discovering her worth, of reaching out with her own love to enrich one-another's life. She had been demanded and coerced and given no option but to comply. It might have been her father that abused her, or relatives, or both. She keeps the details locked up in herself." || - page index - || - chapter index - || - Exit - ||
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